For The Good Of All Mankind
The ability to produce an unlimited amount of fish and chips is a wonderful gift, but now you realize it is also a great responsibility. Having fed the entire hobo kingdom in an afternoon, you see the purpose of being led down this confusing and nonsensical path. “Friends!” you scream over the sound of thousands of fries being crunched by satisfied mouths, “I have decided to leave you and take my spectacular ability to where it is needed most.” Taking your first steps down the righteous path, you sell your legendary hobo sword, using the proceeds to buy one-way passage to the most famine ravaged parts of Ethiopia.
A crowd gathers to watch you arrive at your destination. The desert sand swirls about, stinging your eyes. Whether from the gritty wind or the sight of the emaciated villagers, your eyes begin to water. Salty tears roll down your cheeks, evaporating before they hit the ground. Puffing out your chest and taking the deepest breath of your sorry life you cry: “This ends here and now!” Reaching into your pockets, hands moving like rutting hummingbirds, you furiously throw fish and chips to the crowd.
The battered nourishment is happily received by grease-stained faces. The crowd swells and your strength fades. You do not falter; where each fishy gift lands, a tree of hope grows. Water begins to flow from sprung wells, commerce and trade flourish, soon every man, woman, and child in Ethiopia has enough fish and chips to last them a hundred years. Your hands, tired, broken, and wrinkled from fry oil can no longer sling food, but it is of no consequence – your work here is done. Gorging on fish and chips, the average Ethiopian soon weighs over 250lbs, but it’s worth it to see the satisfied fat children running, playing, and wheezing, with smiles upon their pudgy faces.
Your life’s purpose completed, you stay and watch the formerly desolate country heal. Shopping malls pop-up offering air-conditioned respite from the dust storms and an abundance of free time allows for culture to flourish. Fat actors act in fat movies, and the Ethiopian film scene rivals even Holly and Bolly, the most popular of the “woods”. The most moving and popular film ever produced in Ethi-wood history is still your biopic, “Healing Hands of Haddock.”
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