The Nasty

To the best of your knowledge, no one has ever successfully argued with a courtroom full of humanimals and won. Standing up slowly, you approach the judge with a smirk and say, “Why yes your honour there is something I’d like to say.” Mustering all the power in your legs, you leap up onto his bench. Benefiting from the element of surprise, you manage to get the hobo sword across the judge’s throat and use him as a human shield. “Now everybody just chill the fuck out!” you scream as the courtroom erupts into chaos. “I won’t hesitate to kill him. I’ll put this sword right though his blubbery neck. Then who would adjudicate your proceedings, eh? You?” you say, pointing at an unblinking owl-man. “Now, here’s the deal you freaks: You’re going to leave the hobo kingdom alone forever or I’ll end you all, starting with this guy right here.”

“You’ll never get away with this,” the judge wheezes through your choke hold. “You have signed the hobos’ death warrant, you fool.”

You’ve had enough and decide to make an example of this insolent aquatic-mammal. If the animal hybrid kingdom is anything like jail, taking out the toughest one will make you their new leader. With all your might you pull the hobo-sword tight against the judge’s throat, intending to sever his smooth head from its bulky perch. The judge makes a gagging noise and croaks: “Stop it, you’re hurting me!”

Only now do you realize the wooden hobo sword is not sharp enough to cut the judge’s thick, sea lion neck; the rest of the courtroom realizes your wooden sword won’t cut them either. Soon they are upon you; a tornado of pecking, biting, and scratching. Your eyes are the last organs to be torn from your fleshy vessel, and your final moments are spent watching your own eviscerated corpse lying on the floor, another victim of the humanimal justice system.

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