Righty Tighty
Staring blankly at the forked path ahead, you search for any clue that might illuminate your way in this dank, dark cave. With no clues in sight, because you can’t see, you follow your gut and pick a direction. Right is a synonym for correct, so right it is. Hands outstretched, you feel your way along the rocky walls, heading ever downward into the darkness. After a bend, the walls ahead appear to be glowing. With a happy heart, you sprint toward the light, emerging into a large cavern.
Emu-sized luminescent mushrooms throw off a blue-green light, making tiny oases in the dark, black ocean. An eerie sound echoes from the darkness above, but the fungal torches haven’t enough power to light the uppermost reaches of the cave. Resolutely, you continue on, following the breadcrumb trail left by some trick of peculiar evolution. Occasionally, a loud, wet slap sounds from somewhere in the darkness.
Ahead, you see the largest mushroom yet. It stands as tall as a house and throws off an impressive light rivaling a full moon. As you admire this natural spectacle, another slap disturbs the silence, but this one sounds like it is right behind you. You turn slowly, dramatically enacting a scene from a B-horror movie. On the floor where you just stood lies a steaming pile of brown semi-solid. Approaching it with the curiosity of a small child, you stick a finger in and bring it to your mouth. The taste is very unpleasant and reminds you of something: “Poop,” you say.
The giant fungus allows you to finally see the cavern ceiling. Giant hairy bats, slumbering noisily, hang from every square foot of the roof above. As you watch, another guano-bomb falls with a familiar splat. “Poop,” you say again.
Wait, didn’t you just put some in your mouth for some reason? Retching, you can see an angry rash creep up your itchy arms. You cough uncontrollably. “Histoplasmosis!” you exclaim between fits. Sitting against the wondrous mushroom, your leaking eyes have gone blind. Human weeping mingles with the bats’ nocturnal chirping: a somber dirge in the eternal deep.
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